The Weed Dealer

On the way back from the gym I shit piss in a babies skull to keep my energy level high. Im jumping around, thrusting my muscles in the faces of innocents, shorts ablaze with a bedazzling rhinestone outline. Sick as fuck, basically, all the chicks want to rub my hard, curiously shaped man-tits. I'm a god on the dance-floor, basically the whole dance is contained in my arms, because thats where the attention should be. I've worked hard sculpting this persona, and I've thanklessly dedicated my life to instructing totally undoable pigs in the basics of fitness. Good thing most of them only stick around for a week. They talk about it for years though, and take pride, extolling their mock effort during their dinner parties, as they wedge their way between their fellow fatties to refill bowls of mayonnaise. My dick is SO fucking tan, its like a bolt of brown lighting, unfortunately it also resembles a turd--but when that shit is hard it rocks harder than ACDC, motherfucker. Bagging chicks is my hobby, and I excel in it. Its easier than rudimentary math on a calculator. Just compliment them on their synthetic bodies and recite some lines from Wedding Crashers, and BOOM, she is tugging at my wang through that manufactured hole in my pants. I don't smoke weed, it makes me think in unconventional ways and it makes the girls I bang look like the brainless 35 year old divorcees that they are. You know what's tight? My fucking tee-shirt, duh. You know what I want? A fucking harley davidson, because im tired of only looking like a 21st century motorcyclist. Helmets are gay, but I'd be pissed if I got off the bike and all the gel had been wicked from my shapely spikes. Ain't no lady gonna run her hair through my locks, Im hard all over, like a real man. I've never been in a fight, but plenty of dudes have bowed before my immense frame. Wait, where are you going, don't forget me. Fuck, now Im a dick-headed step dad getting steadily fatter on potato salad like the mock fitness fatties. Fuck, now it's just me and my wife, her face shows the track marks from the endless surgeries she forces upon it. We will be forever young. We will be forever forgotten. Please do not romanticize this part of mankind's story, my life is a burlesque.